So I can learn how to destroy my rivals with a single roundhouse kick. At least I assume that’s what the book is about.

Takashi Miike is a freak. Ichi the Killer is probably his most popular film (in America at least). I really can’t stand Ichi, but GOZU is a pretty nice flick.

The thing that I like most about this movie is that it makes no sense. Sometimes weird things happen in a movie and when they get explained it ruins the movie for you. This is a film that has so many screwed up events that maybe it’s better that they don’t explain what’s going on. You don’t even try to figure it out in your head. You just say “OK this is f’ed up. That’s all there is to it” and you’re ok with that. Not a lot of movies get away with that.

Miike is kind of like Chan Wook Park or Stanley Kubrick in the respect that every movie he makes ends up being a horror movie. Don’t get me wrong, he’s nowhere near as talented as those other directors, but he shares in their fascination of disturbing their audience. Where Miike fails is he doesn’t know how to scare you with nothing. Sometimes it’s the things we don’t see that are the scariest. Miike tends to force everything.

Don’t get me wrong, his films are generally very light and never to be taken seriously, so I understand that he’s not really trying that hard. I’d really like for him to make one serious movie, though, just so we can see how talented he is. I think he’s overrated and underrated at the same time. He gets a lot more praise than he deserves, but he doesn’t deserve all the hate he gets, either.

So anyway, this is a set of 3 short horror films by some well-known Asian directors. I’m really not sure why they picked these three since there are quite a few horror specialists they could have picked instead. I guess they just went for popularity, and lets be honest, all 3 of them can certainly make a horror film. However, you can see the lack of experience here, as these aren’t really scary at all. The really good Asian horror movies are terrifying. These have moments like that, but you can tell they’re not typical Asian horror films. Maybe that’s what they wanted. Why, though?

First we get “Dumplings” from Fruit Chan (what a name). This movie is pretty freaking sick. It’s not a horror movie at all. It’s just gross and disturbing. This might be the worst movie on the DVD. You get the impression that he had a good idea and didn’t really know the right way to carry it out. He turned this into a full-length movie which I guess I should check out (a lot of people thought Oldboy was based on “Dumplings” because they got the directors in this movie confused. After seeing this, I can’t believe anyone would be that stupid).

Next up is Chan Wook Park’s “The Cut.” I’m on the fence with this movie. There’s a part of me that thinks it’s the best of the three, but there’s another part that thinks it has no business being on a horror DVD. The story is good. The intensity is good…but it’s not scary.

I really can’t stand Miike. I feel he wastes his talent on idiocy. Ichi The Killer sucks. His film, “The Box” was interesting because I was certain he’d screw it up and have the worst movie on the DVD. It wasn’t TOO bad, and it was the worst. Not sure which one was, really. That’s about as high of praise as I can ever give Miike.

This is potentially one of the worst movies ever made. Why remake something and make it just as stupid as the original?

First off, this movie is about as funny as The Hours. Actually, The Hours is funnier.

It’s stuffed with bad comedy that went out of style 30 years ago. Mathew Broderick gives one of the worst performances you will ever see. It’s like a bad high school play. Nathan Lane and Will Ferrell are completely wasted, as they cave into the awful gags of Mel Brooks and waste their comedic talents completely.

I won’t even get into the story. The story is fine. It’s quite far-fetched, but who cares? People watch this for the comedy, and it will only piss you off with it’s bad gags and jokes.

If your sense of humor sucks then see this movie.

This is a very powerful tearjerker of a movie. In a few years I will change my mind on this. It will probably drop a few stars and not be worth consuming. It triggers recent emotions, and thats why its powerful. However, once you get over that, you’re left with a guessumentary with lame foreshadowing and fake drama.

I fell asleep watching this last night and slept for 16 hours. No joke. This movie will knock you the hell out with it’s incredible boring characters, plot, and tempo.

The star of the movie is Mick Foley, played by Colin Farrell. He’s your typical depressed British soldier with an evil past that only an Indian woman with a mustache can love. That Indian chick looks like this chick from my shcool that we called “The Forehead.”

The first half of the movie is a ripoff of The Last Samurai, except much worse. The second half is a blur because it was so bad I had to watch it at 4x speed with subtitles on. It’s really that boring.

If you liked this movie, then you probably don’t watch a lot of foreign films. This is a movie that attempts to tap into the Chinese action film market by ripping them off, but fails with a very undeveloped story that staggers until it falls on its face about 90 minutes in.

The first problem is that we don’t care about either of the 2 characters that are “in love.” There is no build up. They just look at each other and BAM: they’re in love. What kind of stupid writing is that? Are you really that lazy?

The only thing that was interesting about this movie was the diverse group of shinobi that go to war. They’re an interesting bunch, but you soon realize the director has no idea what to do with them, as they just kill each other pretty quickly with no real build up of their potential abilities. A couple of them last awhile, but most of them just go and die without ever really getting to become that interested in them.

Also, why are the 2 biggest losers leading their clans? You’ve got to be kidding me. Sure, Gennosuke is impressive, but is he truly a clan leader? How about Oboro who has to be begged for an order? Give me a break. This is amateur film making at best.

This movie sucks.

The problem with this movie is that the character’s are very flat and do not make their intentions known. Why does Claire Danes fall for Steve Martin? Is it just because he’s rich? I hope so, because he’s quite creepy in the movie. However, we don’t know the reason, and it’s a fairly uncomfortable relationship because of that. What does she see in Jason Schwartzman?

If I am right in what I think is going on, then I’d say it’s a great movie. However, I don’t know that I’m right. It’s not a very decisive movie. If I’m right, then Claire Danes plays a girl that only cares about money, Jason Schwartzman is lonely, and Steve Martin is just looking for a booty call that he can keep at bay with money. However, we don’t have any of these questions answered for us. We don’t know what attracts these characters to each other. The only narration in the movie is Steve Martin talking about nonsense that doesn’t give any insight on the characters in the story.

This is a movie that needed more direction and better writing. Perhaps it was a brilliant story, but it got completely lost somewhere along the way from Steve Martin’s head to page to film.

Although this is an incredible movie, it does get off to a very slow start and sets you up with a bunch of lifeless characters you don’t care about. However, as the story progresses, it turns into the best thriller of the last few years. You will be on the edge of your seat, doing your best not to fast forward to find out what happens next. I don’t know that I’ve ever actually watched a movie that made my heart pound with anticipation the way that Match Point did.

Give it a chance. It will blow you away.

Remember when Jim Carrey was funny? Me neither. This movie is awful. The end. Avoid it.