All Consuming : unFunGames

mustache wax ftw (rated 5 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 23:39:43 GMT

that’s all

It was scary...screw you Scream fans (rated 3 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 23:39:04 GMT

1408 (2007)

by Mikael Håfström

The people that wont think this is scary are the kind of goons that get scared by those awful movies like Scream or I Kow WHat You Did Last Summer. This is a classic horror film, and while it rips off a lot of over stuff, it’s very scary (in theaters, at least). Chances are if you downloaded it or watch it at home it wont be nearly as scary.

Blows a decent amount (rated 2 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 23:36:26 GMT

Dreamgirls (Widescreen Edition)

by Bill Condon

This was pretty stupid. Reminded me of Syriana. A movie that tries to make you think it’s a true story, but it’s just a fantasy told by someone with a huge vendetta.

A really stupid movie. (rated 1 star)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 04:29:35 GMT

For Your Consideration

Christopher Guest is a tool. This movie is a disaster. How can he make so many good movie then make this garbage? The biggest problem with the movie is that the movie they’re making in For Your Consideration sucks. The acting is awful. If you’re going to make a movie about Oscar hype, at least have the movie be decent. Don’t try to jerk any tears when someone doesn’t get nominated for awful acting. Give me a break.

Way overrated (rated 2 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 07:17:08 GMT

Children of Men

by Alfonso Cuarón

This is not a good movie. It certainly appears like it’s a good movie. It’s got good direction, a good cast and crew, excellent cinematography, and plenty of drama…but it’s missing one huge piece: a story that’s interesting.

This review contains spoilers, which doesn’t really matter, since the plot summaries you read pretty much sum up the entire story, so don’t worry about being spoiled here.

The plot is that women have become infertile (and no one knows why). This terrorist group known as the “Fish” have found a pregnant girl and they’re trying to transport her to a safe place. Enter Clive Owen, who is apparently the ex-husband of the terrorist group, who is asked to help out, and ends up having to do all the work by himself.

I don’t really mind that we don’t know why women have become infertile. That’s not the problem. The problem with this movie is that I just don’t give a damn about the girl carrying the baby or that they’re trying to save her (and not just because she’s a bad actor).

A lot of movies use humor to get you to care about the characters. This movie does the same, but the jokes are bad. Seriously…a “pull my finger” joke? The fart jokes in Y Tu Mama Tambien were much better. Yes, lets have this lovable character with bad jokes and then kill him so you feel sorry for him. And make sure he doesn’t leave his house…doesn’t even try to hide. Where’s the fun in that? Oh, and did anyone notice how the road changed from the start of the movie when Clive Owen went to visit him to how suddenly there was this perfect lookout point later in the movie where he can see him die? Jesus Christ that’s forced.

And did you notice that they killed off Julliane Moore right when she was doing the “yuck it up in front of the camera to make the people love you” act? Yes…of course. Even at the end when Clive Owen died they had to actually take 15 seconds to give him a bit of personality so you liked him. What a pattern.

This movie just has no direction. It’s going nowhere. So what if they found a girl with a baby? Does that “save” mankind? We don’t even really know what’s going on because none of it is explained. If you’re going to try to make me believe this kid is going to make the world a better place then don’t just tell me. It’s like trying to sell me on the bible. Prove it happened. Prove anything in that book happened…and when you can, I’ll believe in Children of Men, too.

No one said it was a kid's movie. (rated 5 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 22:45:14 GMT

Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno)

by Guillermo del Toro

So, it’s not worth consuming because you believed it was a kid’s movie? It’s freaking rated R. Was that not a giveaway? I mean…how many kid’s movies have been rated R in the last 60 years? So all of these “it wasn’t what I was expecting” reviews are useless. Look at the rating before you see a movie. I don’t see how you could possibly not know. It’s insane.

Anyway, this is a pretty great movie. It makes Guillermo Del Toro the kind of director that gets to do anything he wants for his next picture. That’s how good it is.

It also shows us how gutless American cinema is. You’d never see a movie like this done in the US. This is a film that strangles you with the “this is how fairy tales really are” mentality. It’s hard to really get into it without spoiling the entire movie, so I’ll just summarize it in 3 bullet points.

1. Best movie of the year
2. Deserves every Oscar is was nominated for (and a few it wasn’t nominated for)
3. Guillermo Del Toro will receive a standing ovation from the crowd when he accepts his best foreign language film Oscar.

I've seen this before, haven't I? (rated 2 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 22:36:36 GMT

Rocky Balboa

Wow, this sucked! This is the Nintendo Wii of movies. It’s new and exciting, but in a year everyone will hate it. I hate it now. Yes, it’s hard to not get excited when Rocky is in the ring, again, but this movie really does stink. You have to get past the nostalgia and once you do you’ll see how bad it really is.

This movie sucks! (rated 2 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 03:16:15 GMT

X-Men - The Last Stand (Full Screen Edition)

by Brett Ratner

OK I don’t like comic book movies, but I did like the first X-Men movie. I thought it was great. It started getting corny with the second one, though. The third one is just awful. It’s a paint by numbers crapfest that is the perfect end to another comic book movie franchise.

What really amazes me is how this movie has some great tragedy. I was actually surprised at all the “bad things” that happen. Quite a few people important characters die, and that’s usually a good thing. However, 5 seconds later you forget about it becuase of some corny one-liner from one of the awful characters. Wolverine is a bad-joke-a-minute and who the hell said Mr Freeze could be a main character?

I could rant for about 6 paragraphs on this awful movie, but it’s not worth the muscle-usage. This movie blows, and I’m glad the series is over. Good riddance.

A great tragedy - great = bad (rated 2 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 03:04:51 GMT

A.I. - Artificial Intelligence (Widescreen Two-Disc Special Edition)

This will always be a movie about what could have been. The only thing we know after watching this movie is that Steven Spielberg can’t do a good Stanley Kubrick impersonation. He tried. He didn’t even attempt to put his mark on it. He just tried to be Kubrick.

I have a feeling that this would have been an amazing film if Kubrick had been able to direct it. Instead, it’s a great idea that’s executed poorly because Spielberg had no idea what he was doing. The end.

Good, but how could it not be? (rated 3 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 17:49:38 GMT

Turtles Can Fly

by Bahman Ghobadi

This is one of those movies (like United 93) where it just doesn’t have the ability to be bad. You’re intrigued to get different perspectives (whether realistic or not) on historical events. I’m not sure why, but everyone likes that kind of stuff.

For that reason, it’s hard to really know if this is a great movie. It’s a pretty rough flick in terms of content. They really do go out of their way to make you feel sorry for everyone…and why not? I’m sure there were people that were a LOT worse off in Iraq, anyhow.

And for those wondering if this is just a 100 minute anti-USA rant: it’s not. It’s actually very pro-American. Someone ask Sean Penn how many more examples we need of Iraq wanting to be saved, so he can finally shut up.

Fun, exactly what you'd expect (rated 4 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 20:24:05 GMT

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

by Gore Verbinski

To the person with the avatar of a dog’s ass: how can a movie that isn’t getting good reviews be “overrated?”...people aren’t praising this movie. Cretin.

This movie was good, dumb fun, as all summer movies generally are (except for the ones that are just dumb). There’s a nice cliffhanger at the end (though not much of one, since you know it will be resolved in 3), and one of my favorite actors of all time popped up at the end so we get to see him in the third one! That was unexpected, and freakin’ awesome.

Of course it will be liked. (rated 3 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 23:14:06 GMT

Paradise Now

by Hany Abu-Assad

I’m not surprised this movie got good reviews just for the subjet matter. However, this isn’t very good at all. It’s certainly interesting, but since it’s fiction, they could have done a better job with the story. You get the impression that they wanted to make it a deeper movie than it needed to be. It doesn’t focus on the parts that really matter.

Not enough here (rated 2 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Tue, 04 Jul 2006 18:04:24 GMT

Cache (Hidden)

by Michael Haneke

This is a very tedious movie with little payoff. You’re forced to assume a lot since it’s not explained, and in the end, you just don’t care anymore. I understand the movie, I just don’t think it’s good. People don’t act this way. They don’t.

Why I recommend "The World's Fastest Indian"

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 16:41:21 GMT

The World's Fastest Indian

by Roger Donaldson

This may very well be the best film of 2005. The commercials made it look like crap. Worst marketing I’ve ever seen, which is why this movie made no money.

But this is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long, long time. Anthony Hopkins is great and should have been nominated for best actor.

This is the only movie of 2005 that I can say is pretty much perfect. I can’t find a single flaw.

I don't get it.

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 04:24:18 GMT

Syriana (Widescreen Edition)

by Stephen Gaghan

It was OK i guess…I just have no idea what the hell was going on. Next time give me a coherent plot. You made all this crap up. It’s not like I can look it up in a history book.

Film noir returns! (rated 4 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 03:56:20 GMT

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (Widescreen Edition)

by Shane Black

This is a great American film. In fact, when we talk American films, this might be the best of 2005. I don’t mean movies made in the United States, I mean American films. You know, genres that the US completely owns. This is such a film.

Can you believe that Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer are starring in a great movie!? I still can’t believe it. Here’s 2 actors that seem to have been thrown out for the new generation. They play roles that these younger actors could have played, but they do it with a style and class that no one else could have. And trust me, this movie is all about style. There’s even a tongue-in-cheek reference in the movie about Collin Farell being the real actor they wanted but Downey came cheaper. Don’t overlook it. This movie is loaded with jabs at Hollywood.

This is a mystery flick. I was too busy enjoying the scenery, though, so the plot became a little tough for me to follow. I had no idea it was going to be a complex story, so I didn’t pay close enough attention. Fortunately, they do remind you from time to time if you missed anything, so by the end you’ll felt caught up. That’s one of the strengths of this film. It knows how fast it’s going and it knows it can remind you from time to time without making you feel stupid.

Some people have compared this to The Big Lebowski. I have no idea why, but they do. This movie is better. A lot better. The end. TBL was just a quote machine.

Speaking of quote machines, I’d like to close by saying: captain f*ing magic (And no, that won’t be funny unless you watch this movie)

You probably need to like hip hop to like this movie (rated 3 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Tue, 13 Jun 2006 23:25:59 GMT

Dave Chappelle's Block Party (Unrated Widescreen Edition)

I don’t listen to hip hop (or any music for that matter, really). I do like Chappelle, though.

My problem with this movie is I feel like it acts like it’s more important than it really is. Chappelle didn’t really “bring people together.” All he did was put on a free concert. He DID bring some people from his hometown to the concert, but so what? I don’t see how that really brings people together. Charity benefits bring people together. This was just a free concert put on by a comedian that had never done it before. This event has absolutely no importance whatsoever.

However, it’s still pretty funny. I would have preferred more comedy than hip hop, but what are you gonna do? It just doesn’t have any meaning or reason to exist. The people involved THINK it’s important, but it’s really not. A very forgettable movie with a few laughs.

No one compares to Miyazaki (rated 5 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Thu, 01 Jun 2006 19:02:05 GMT

Howl's Moving Castle

by Hayao Miyazaki

I see a lot of people have been confused by the story of Howl’s Moving Castle. I’m not sure why. If you pay attention then it’s very, very easy to follow.

This is a movie with some of the most interesting characters you’ll ever see. My favorites are Calcifer, Turnip Head, Sophie, Howl, the Witch of the Waste…Well, all of them are excellent.

The voice casting is great, too. Billy Crystal, Christian Bale, Lauren Bacall and Jean Simmons (not the one from Kiss!) all do an excellent job.

This is a fantasy film, and with that comes a lot of mythology. I’m sure the book explains a lot of it in depth, but you only have 2 hours in a movie, so some of it is going to come at you rather quick. Mizayaki is such an incredible storyteller that you won’t question any of it. This, more than anything, is a story about relationships and growing up, anyway (as most Miyazaki films are).

If you’ve never seen any of Miyazaki’s films then it will blow you away. I think it’s his best, though most would say that Spirited Away was. I just feel like this is much more original.

A little overrated (rated 3 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Thu, 01 Jun 2006 18:44:52 GMT

Kiki's Delivery Service

This is one of Miyazaki’s earlier films, and although it’s good, it’s not on the level of his more recent work.

If you’re looking for Miyazaki’s best, check out Howl’s Moving Castle, which is one of the greatest animated films ever made.

Pretty bad! (rated 2 stars)

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Wed, 31 May 2006 22:49:26 GMT

Date Movie (Unrated Edition)

by Aaron Seltzer

Even the greatness of Fred Willard and Eddie Griffin can’t save this awful movie.

Why I want to consume "Against All Odds: My Story"

nobody@allconsuming.net (unFunGames) — Fri, 26 May 2006 04:51:45 GMT

Against All Odds: My Story

by Chuck Norris

So I can learn how to destroy my rivals with a single roundhouse kick. At least I assume that’s what the book is about.