that’s all

The people that wont think this is scary are the kind of goons that get scared by those awful movies like Scream or I Kow WHat You Did Last Summer. This is a classic horror film, and while it rips off a lot of over stuff, it’s very scary (in theaters, at least). Chances are if you downloaded it or watch it at home it wont be nearly as scary.

This was pretty stupid. Reminded me of Syriana. A movie that tries to make you think it’s a true story, but it’s just a fantasy told by someone with a huge vendetta.

Christopher Guest is a tool. This movie is a disaster. How can he make so many good movie then make this garbage? The biggest problem with the movie is that the movie they’re making in For Your Consideration sucks. The acting is awful. If you’re going to make a movie about Oscar hype, at least have the movie be decent. Don’t try to jerk any tears when someone doesn’t get nominated for awful acting. Give me a break.

This is not a good movie. It certainly appears like it’s a good movie. It’s got good direction, a good cast and crew, excellent cinematography, and plenty of drama…but it’s missing one huge piece: a story that’s interesting.

This review contains spoilers, which doesn’t really matter, since the plot summaries you read pretty much sum up the entire story, so don’t worry about being spoiled here.

The plot is that women have become infertile (and no one knows why). This terrorist group known as the “Fish” have found a pregnant girl and they’re trying to transport her to a safe place. Enter Clive Owen, who is apparently the ex-husband of the terrorist group, who is asked to help out, and ends up having to do all the work by himself.

I don’t really mind that we don’t know why women have become infertile. That’s not the problem. The problem with this movie is that I just don’t give a damn about the girl carrying the baby or that they’re trying to save her (and not just because she’s a bad actor).

A lot of movies use humor to get you to care about the characters. This movie does the same, but the jokes are bad. Seriously…a “pull my finger” joke? The fart jokes in Y Tu Mama Tambien were much better. Yes, lets have this lovable character with bad jokes and then kill him so you feel sorry for him. And make sure he doesn’t leave his house…doesn’t even try to hide. Where’s the fun in that? Oh, and did anyone notice how the road changed from the start of the movie when Clive Owen went to visit him to how suddenly there was this perfect lookout point later in the movie where he can see him die? Jesus Christ that’s forced.

And did you notice that they killed off Julliane Moore right when she was doing the “yuck it up in front of the camera to make the people love you” act? Yes…of course. Even at the end when Clive Owen died they had to actually take 15 seconds to give him a bit of personality so you liked him. What a pattern.

This movie just has no direction. It’s going nowhere. So what if they found a girl with a baby? Does that “save” mankind? We don’t even really know what’s going on because none of it is explained. If you’re going to try to make me believe this kid is going to make the world a better place then don’t just tell me. It’s like trying to sell me on the bible. Prove it happened. Prove anything in that book happened…and when you can, I’ll believe in Children of Men, too.

So, it’s not worth consuming because you believed it was a kid’s movie? It’s freaking rated R. Was that not a giveaway? I mean…how many kid’s movies have been rated R in the last 60 years? So all of these “it wasn’t what I was expecting” reviews are useless. Look at the rating before you see a movie. I don’t see how you could possibly not know. It’s insane.

Anyway, this is a pretty great movie. It makes Guillermo Del Toro the kind of director that gets to do anything he wants for his next picture. That’s how good it is.

It also shows us how gutless American cinema is. You’d never see a movie like this done in the US. This is a film that strangles you with the “this is how fairy tales really are” mentality. It’s hard to really get into it without spoiling the entire movie, so I’ll just summarize it in 3 bullet points.

1. Best movie of the year

2. Deserves every Oscar is was nominated for (and a few it wasn’t nominated for)

3. Guillermo Del Toro will receive a standing ovation from the crowd when he accepts his best foreign language film Oscar.

Wow, this sucked! This is the Nintendo Wii of movies. It’s new and exciting, but in a year everyone will hate it. I hate it now. Yes, it’s hard to not get excited when Rocky is in the ring, again, but this movie really does stink. You have to get past the nostalgia and once you do you’ll see how bad it really is.

OK I don’t like comic book movies, but I did like the first X-Men movie. I thought it was great. It started getting corny with the second one, though. The third one is just awful. It’s a paint by numbers crapfest that is the perfect end to another comic book movie franchise.

What really amazes me is how this movie has some great tragedy. I was actually surprised at all the “bad things” that happen. Quite a few people important characters die, and that’s usually a good thing. However, 5 seconds later you forget about it becuase of some corny one-liner from one of the awful characters. Wolverine is a bad-joke-a-minute and who the hell said Mr Freeze could be a main character?

I could rant for about 6 paragraphs on this awful movie, but it’s not worth the muscle-usage. This movie blows, and I’m glad the series is over. Good riddance.

This will always be a movie about what could have been. The only thing we know after watching this movie is that Steven Spielberg can’t do a good Stanley Kubrick impersonation. He tried. He didn’t even attempt to put his mark on it. He just tried to be Kubrick.

I have a feeling that this would have been an amazing film if Kubrick had been able to direct it. Instead, it’s a great idea that’s executed poorly because Spielberg had no idea what he was doing. The end.

This is one of those movies (like United 93) where it just doesn’t have the ability to be bad. You’re intrigued to get different perspectives (whether realistic or not) on historical events. I’m not sure why, but everyone likes that kind of stuff.

For that reason, it’s hard to really know if this is a great movie. It’s a pretty rough flick in terms of content. They really do go out of their way to make you feel sorry for everyone…and why not? I’m sure there were people that were a LOT worse off in Iraq, anyhow.

And for those wondering if this is just a 100 minute anti-USA rant: it’s not. It’s actually very pro-American. Someone ask Sean Penn how many more examples we need of Iraq wanting to be saved, so he can finally shut up.