This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

Neither of these couples had chemistry. Cameron Diaz’s character is obnoxious throughout, and totally awkward with Jude Law’s children, to boot. There was nothing comedic about this film.

Up until tonight, The Cable Guy was the worst movie I’d ever seen. But I have reached a new low.

1) constant, nondescript, third-strig lesbian folk music (and random kokopelli) throughout the ENTIRE movie, with no correlation to scene
2) sound quality so terrible, you can hear cars throughout, and some parts are deafening, others are whispers
3) Terrible camera angles. The close-ups are way too close… lots of cut-off chins.
4) psychotic psychotherapist
5) boring-as-ef sex scenes
6) CRYING KISSING. No more crying kissing in lesbian movies! Just say no!
7) Really bad acting. Really really bad.
8) The least flattering wardrobe ever. Movie came out in 2002. There’s no excuse, people.
9) OVERACTING
10) stupid cliches like: “I loved you the first second I saw you” and “I was never attracted to a woman before you…”
11) The annoying eyebrow-raising schmuck friend who you want to punch
12) A whole lot more that you’d have to watch the movie for.

But all of these things I could handle in small doses. Listen, I’m someone who genuinely LIKES low culture, and I hated this movie. This is because instead of being the 20-minute short film it should have been, it was stretched to a dreadful 120 minutes. At least 40% of the scenes aren’t needed. 90% of the scenes are way, way too long. The pauses between lines of dialogue are too long, too. How many melodramatic facial expressions do we need to know that they’re having a hard time? Yes. It’s tough. We get it. Now spit out your lines.

This movie is only for the bravest of the brave, for the true, diehard fans of bottom-barrel low culture. It won’t be pretty. Whatever you do, do not watch this alone.

Here is something you can do to help you make this movie more bearable. Make Dyke Movie Bingo Boards with the following spaces on them:
1) denim vests
2) special sexy candle time (breast fondling and fade to candles)
3) generic folk music
4) Miller Lite
5) softball, rugby or basketball
6) falling for your best friend
7) crying-kissing
8) gay bashing
9) mechanics/car repair
10) jealous/befuddled boyfriend/husband
11) mullets
12) matching lesbo couple hair
13) skeezy chick at bar
14) love at first sight
15) “you turned me gay”
16) overexplanation of lesbian motifs

Godspeed.

Chained Girls is a wildly biased, hilarious and deeply disturbing crack at a documentary about lesbians, made in the mid 60s. This is partially worth watching because it actually gives some vague insight into lesbian life from the time period (a very interesting thing indeed), but is mostly comprised of outrageous stereotypes. If you watch this alone, it will probably depress you. Watch it with a good friend while drinking, and it’ll be hysterical (and yet still disturbing—I warned you). Worth it.

This is one of the most powerful films I have ever seen. It is a beautiful portrayal of the complex relationships between generations of mothers and daughters, exploring the different social codings of being raised in China versus America. I wish I could tell you how much this film has meant to me, or put into words how heartbreaking and simultaneously uplifting it is. I stumbled upon it by accident one day on TV and got completely engrossed, ultimately sobbing so hard I had to turn the volume as far up as it would go so I could hear it over the sounds of my gutteral cries. It was the most incredible release. If you have a soul, there will be something in this that moves you. A must-see.

An excellent adaptation. Judi Dench was incredible; you got as much nuance in an expression here than in a page in the book, and her character came off as extra creepy—delectable!

Hanson is amazing. Forever. I could go into a track-by-track analysis of why each of these songs is really, really good, and what it’s all meant to me over the years, but basically… if I had to be trapped on a desert island with one CD, this very well might be it. It’s like that.

This was so cute. I squealed with glee over and over. Cece’s sexy one-liners! Ah!

John Sutherland is an intelligent man who really knows what he’s talking about. That said, this just wasn’t interesting. It wasn’t what the title suggested. Rather, it’s a collection of trivial and superficial bits of information on a huge number of books. I’m willing to read books about books from time to time, but only when some kind of real, comprehensive understanding can be gleaned from it. The only reason I made it as far as the halfway point was my sheer desire to add to my book count. Then I realized I’d much rather spending my time actually reading even one of the books he references.