So my brother wanted to go see a movie Saturday night. Two guys wanting to see a guy movie. What could be more of a guy movie than female vampires in skimpy leather outfits with lots of sword play? BloodRayne also had actors that I had actually heard of like Michelle Rodriguez (Fast and Furious, Girl Fight, Swat), Michael Madsen (Resivoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction), Ben Kingsley (you know) with a special appearance by Meat Loaf (Rocky Horror Picture Show). I didn’t remember Kristanna Loken from Terminator 3, and unfortunately she didn’t help her rep much in this film. But I am getting ahead of myself.

So a couple of guys want to see a guy movie right after the holidays when all the “family” pics are out and the pickings are slim. So BloodRayne it is. Fandango said “Playing Everywhere” but only three theatres in the Puget Sound were playing it and none in downtown seattle. That was clue #1. It was only playing in Bellevue, Renton and Lynnwood, all suburbia, home of the 18-26 year old male target audience. So I spend one of my handfull of hall passes to slep all the way across the lake to Bellevue and endure the humiliation that is Bellevue Square Mall. While walking to the restraunt to meet my brother I ran into a friend of mine with his wife and child looking for a dinner place. He was so surprised to see me on the East side of the lake that his first words were “Hey Martin, are you lost?”. Yes sir I was.

After watching the football game half an hour waiting for someone to take our order in the bar at P.F. Changs, my brother and I bail to the Tap Room where a Spaten hits the bar almost before my butt hits the barstool. Ah, Americana. After a quick beer and a salad we head up to the theatre. There are five people in the ticket booth behind bullet proof glass and only one selling tickets. Clue #2. Inside there are four more clustered around what should be the ticket taking place all talking and laughing and totally ignoring people standing balancing soda’s and popcorn trying to give their tickets. The gauntlet of ignorance doesn’t get any better as we enter the theatre. At the 7:15 show on Saturday night of opening weekend there are only a handfull of seats taken.

My brother and I sit through another gauntlet of horror film and video game adaptation trailers each worse that the last. Clue #3, bad previews of movies you don’t want to see is a bad sign for the movie you are about to see. Let me cut to the chase. BloodRayne is a horrible bad movie. Not even worth renting. You can see the pain on the actors faces as they deliver the worst written dialogue I have ever seen in a movie. So on the nose it is painful. The action scenes don’t make up for it either because they are clumsy in organization and shooting. The swords used are embarassingly fake. Even the casual watcher can see they have rounded edges and are chipped all over and are aluminum or plastic. There is no tension, no character development, no character arch, nothing to get you to give a crap about anybody on the screen. Add to that way too much “Lord of the Rings” medeivel symphony music as horsemen ride in the mountains and it is just unbearable.

On the way out my brother and I are appologizing to each other for the movie and for not walking out. I run into another guy I know who was in the movie and am totally embarassed to be caught there, but so is he, so it is not so painful. I predict this one is out of the theatres almost as fast as Gigli or Swept Away.

I rate this one as a Zero out of 5 stars. I can only hoe that Underworld: Evolution will save the genre.