I really enjoyed this book. I feel like the title is misleading… this isn’t about marriage… this is about interpersonal relationships. And everyone, married or not, has tons of these. Friends, coworkers, family, and I guess spouse if you have one.

The two main points that I liked about this book:

How not to criticize: Instead of complaining, criticizing, being sarcastic, or avoiding conflict, it seems like a primary tool that this book talks about is acknowledging your needs. Instead of saying what’s wrong, instead of describing the problem, talk about what you need personally. Talk about a present need, what you need right now, not in the future or past. It shifts the brain a little to think about that knot in your chest and what the key is to it, rather than just hitting the other person with the knot over and over.

Don’t try to solve the problem: Lots of people were always going straight to problem solving. The writers of this book say that trying to solve the problem too early leaves people feeling misunderstood. Most conflicts aren’t about problems, it’s about being understood. So instead of suggesting solutions, they suggest asking open ended questions about the person so that you can try to understand them, and understand why the problem is a problem.

There’s a lot of other good stuff here. I’m recommending it to all my friends and coworkers.