I just can’t stay awake during submarine films. They are all so tedious. I’ve tried, honestly I have. My eyes head for the zzzs when I see tight-shirted men scampering around a confined space, in between gushes of water (the ubiquitous drowning – after all, that’s about as much action as you’re gonna get in a submarine) and men talking for lengthy periods of time about war strategy / politics garble.

Can I be much plainer? I’m far too ignorant to willingly understand the merits of submarine films. Now let me be to throw it in Room 101.