There are movies that deserve respect not for being great, but rather for not pretending to be what they aren’t. This is not one of those movies.

Anyone who actually respects the original Transformers concepts and story will not be treated by watching this confusing, unfocused and irrelevant story. Those of us who were the target audience for the original translated Japanese show felt the keen of doom from the following quote taken from one of the producers when the concept was first confirmed as being made into film:

“This film will focus on the ‘human element’. Because no one wants to watch a movie about robots fighting in space.”

NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH THAT? WHAT THE HELL WAS THE FIRST TRANSFORMERS MOVIE? WHERE THE HELL DOES THIS DOUCHEBAG THINK THE POPULARITY FOR THIS SHOW, THE VERY SAME SHOW HE’S PAYING TO HAVE MADE INTO A MOVIE, CAME FROM?

I do NOT want to go to a movie called Transformers and spend 85% of the time watching a thinly-woven story taped together with, surprisingly, badly-executed cliches, about some whiny, spoiled asshole kid that I’d cross the street to punch out. First of all, I can’t think of anything more tedious about the “human element” to explore. Second of all, I feel I speak for all of Generation X when I say, “WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE HUMANS. BRING ON THE ROBOTS FIGHTING IN SPACE!!”

This movie is called Transformers. Could we please spend some time developing them – please? Could we explain the story, make it interesting, dedicate time to the actual robot vs. robot storyline, develop the main characters, perhaps? Those of us not distracted from the lack of plot by Capoeira/breakdancing racial stereotypes, millions of needlessly moving robots parts, and some moron continually shouting “No, no, NO!!” as his only major emoting, can look at this pasted-together corporate PowerPoint presentation and see that beyond those elements, it is a terrible collage of mixed-up crap, stuck together with moving, shiny shit, terrible performances and a tired, wasted-sounding Optimus Prime spewing retread quotes from the original series in a necrotic attempt to try and associate something with content and depth with this purely anti-art marketing tool masquerading as a film. It’s an insult to the orginal story, an insult to the quality therein, and an epic slap in the face of the intelligence and rational minds of its target audience, us, the exploited children of the 80’s cartoon generation.

Makes you excited for the release of the G.I. Joe this year, doesn’t it?