Up until tonight, The Cable Guy was the worst movie I’d ever seen. But I have reached a new low.

1) constant, nondescript, third-strig lesbian folk music (and random kokopelli) throughout the ENTIRE movie, with no correlation to scene
2) sound quality so terrible, you can hear cars throughout, and some parts are deafening, others are whispers
3) Terrible camera angles. The close-ups are way too close… lots of cut-off chins.
4) psychotic psychotherapist
5) boring-as-ef sex scenes
6) CRYING KISSING. No more crying kissing in lesbian movies! Just say no!
7) Really bad acting. Really really bad.
8) The least flattering wardrobe ever. Movie came out in 2002. There’s no excuse, people.
9) OVERACTING
10) stupid cliches like: “I loved you the first second I saw you” and “I was never attracted to a woman before you…”
11) The annoying eyebrow-raising schmuck friend who you want to punch
12) A whole lot more that you’d have to watch the movie for.

But all of these things I could handle in small doses. Listen, I’m someone who genuinely LIKES low culture, and I hated this movie. This is because instead of being the 20-minute short film it should have been, it was stretched to a dreadful 120 minutes. At least 40% of the scenes aren’t needed. 90% of the scenes are way, way too long. The pauses between lines of dialogue are too long, too. How many melodramatic facial expressions do we need to know that they’re having a hard time? Yes. It’s tough. We get it. Now spit out your lines.

This movie is only for the bravest of the brave, for the true, diehard fans of bottom-barrel low culture. It won’t be pretty. Whatever you do, do not watch this alone.

Here is something you can do to help you make this movie more bearable. Make Dyke Movie Bingo Boards with the following spaces on them:
1) denim vests
2) special sexy candle time (breast fondling and fade to candles)
3) generic folk music
4) Miller Lite
5) softball, rugby or basketball
6) falling for your best friend
7) crying-kissing
8) gay bashing
9) mechanics/car repair
10) jealous/befuddled boyfriend/husband
11) mullets
12) matching lesbo couple hair
13) skeezy chick at bar
14) love at first sight
15) “you turned me gay”
16) overexplanation of lesbian motifs

Godspeed.