(Paraphrased from something I sent a friend this morning)

After seeing twenty minutes of previews, including one for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre prequel, and speculating quitting my day job to write better screenplays, I was hoping Snakes On A Plane (SOAP) would be a good, bad movie.

Had the producers stuck to making the movie in an intentionally self-parodying way, interjecting puns and quotable one-liners, it would have been enjoyable. Or, had they kept it entirely serious, yet failed in a cheesily humorous and external way (think Dawn of the Dead), it would have been enjoyable.

Instead, they were indecisive. The beginning starts with the irrelevant subplot of the Bad Guy who will eventually be blamed for orchestrating the Snakes On The Plane as a way to assassinate the Lone Eyewitness Who Could Put Him Away For Life. That would been the hallmark of a serious movie gone bad.

Later, on the plane, after the snakes have been released, people are being bitten in improbably PG-13/R places. The deliberately ridiculous and gratuitous violence easily indulged the juvenile side of my sense of humor.

But, by the third act, they had exhausted their CGI budget and Places To Have Snakes Bite People. It seemed they wanted to end the movie. Insert the obviously dubbed “I’m MF tired of these MF snakes” line, land the GD plane, roll the MF credits, and show the music video at the end. AAGDTYCDAI.

Wait for it on Netflix and enjoy the (I hope) blooper reel.